Given how crowded Japanese trains can often be, it’s not surprising that most of the time there will always be someone in close enough earshot for passengers to pick up on any interesting bits of juicy conversation which the rest of the internet could really benefit from.
So, after all the Overheard at the Office, Overheard at the Beach, Overheard in New York and Overhead at [insert the name of basically any university here] which are taking over the English-speaking web, here is the Japanese version, as tweets are compiled on Naver Matome of the good, the bad, and the ugly things Japanese netizens have overheard on the train.
From Naver Matome:
Funny Things People Say Overheard On the Train
笑えるツイートさん：
This was a conversation in the train between two primary school kids: Kid A “I know you shouldn’t just doubt everything, but there are 3 things you can never trust.” Kid B “What?” Kid A “Politicians, the media, and Purikura pictures.” Primary school kids are amazing!
Purikura photos are designed to make subjects look unrealistically cute.
笑ったらRTな相互フォローさん：
Two girls who looked like university students in the train. “OMG! A Japanese girl was chosen as Miss Japan!” “Ehhhh… AWESOME!” then silence. Overheard.
隣の男子高校生の会話さん：
A conversation in the train between two high-schoolers. A: “Do you really hate Takahashi that much?”
B: “Yeah the dude slept with Yoshida’s boyfriend ww”
A: “No way?!! Like, www NO WAY?!”
B: “Yeah for real www Saw them the other day hand in hand www”
A: “For real! So he’s a homo too?!!”
Why the hell are they going on about such lewd things!
さん：
On a crowded train, this old guy yelled “Oi, over here! chikan!” then the old guy said “It’s this person!” and went bright red when he lifted the hand of the old guy next to him. This confirmed to me that Japan is coming to an end.
An example of a sign on a train warning female passengers of ‘chikan’.
那々紫＠欲深眼鏡淫乱男色野郎さん：
On the train, a couple with their kid (the kid was a only a baby) got on and the kid suddenly got upset and burst out crying. The husband looked annoyed. He turned to his wife and his kid, and said: “So loud! Shut it up! If the kid won’t be quiet, damn it, pick it up!!!…Awww, what’s wrong sweetie? It’s so scary cos there’s so many people we don’t know, aren’t there baby?”
ワロッターwwwBOTさん：
Two kids from a boys’ school in the train: “Girls are amazing… you can see the size of their boobs even through their clothes, how do they live like that with guys and stuff seeing that every day?” “Sucks right～” “If my dick was sprouting out of my chest I’d die of shame!” “Fuck yeah! ww“. I tried to imagine that as they were talking and it was so funny I burst out laughing.
さん：
Two seconds after the announcement said “The train for XX will soon be arriving on platform XX”, someone muttered “Bankai” and at exactly the right timing, the train roared and the wind lifted everyone’s hair and clothes. I tried my best at the time to keep a straight face. [N.B. You might need to be a Bleach fan to get this one…]
Bankaaaaaaaaaaai!
おもしろBOTさん：
It’s such a foreboding expression when they say on the Saikyo Line that “The train is late because someone fell on the tracks.”
笑リツ！さん：
Right when the train was about to leave the station attendant yelled “The doors will soon be clo…. Yo conductor??!! What happennnnnnneeeedddd?????!!!!” through his microphone and sprinted down the platform as if someone had just pressed an emergency stop button.
笑リツ！さん：
A guy and a girl in flashy clothes got on the train and the guy said to the girl “Oh, haven’t we got on the wrong train?” so they got off. This was the last train of the night though. The salaryman next to me then explained that meant that the guy was scheming to get the girl to go to a hotel with him, and I thought adults are really scary sometimes.”
面白つぶやき_botさん：
“It’s so fun to make a horrible character on Tomodachi Collection [like The Sims] and made him live in a house with a leaky roof where he gets so skinny he gets sick. Then, if you throw some bread on the wet floor, he’s so happy and he eats it!” I heard this in a train and I shuddered.
笑えるツイートさん：
When the train stopped at the station, high-school kid A said “One sec, gonna go throw away this juice” but the moment he went out the doors shut behind him and though it was pretty funny to see high-school kid B who was riding with him yell “Takashiiiiii!”, but the best was when high-school kid C concluded “and thus the bonds of friendship between the two were torn apart by a simple door….”
クソワロタbotさん：
On the train home, this high-school kid was saying “I can take off a bra with one hand wwwwwwPing!wwwwww” I thought he was a dick, but then the friend next to him said “So you wear a bra?” completely spontaneously and with a serious face.
隣の男子高校生の会話さん：
A:
“Hey, your dick is a size S right?”
B: “Yup, but the moment I saw you it became and L size.”
A: “The fuck dude, so cool!!!”… This is what high-school boys talk about on the train…
コピペbotさん：
I thought it would be a pretty good strategy to write “let’s have” on my right eyelid and “sex” on my left eyelid so that “let’s have sex” would flash as a subliminal message when I blinked, and I got on a train with perfect confidence I would get hit on, but then I fell fast asleep and now look who got questioned by the railroad police…
A human drama unfolds on a train
オモシロツイートさん：
On the train, a girl’s hair got caught in a guy’s coat button and in the scramble, she gave him a pair of tiny scissors and said “I’m sorry, Will you cut my hair with these”, and instead this awesome handsome guy cut off his own button.
猫の逆襲さん：
When you notice that your fly is undone on the train, it’s strange that it’s better to leave it open rather than looking like a pervert by closing it.
新藤さん：
Today on the train a Yankee slowly got up and suddenly said to an old woman close to him “I’m getting up, so sit yourself down!” and disappeared into another carriage, but for nearly an hour I was wondering why he could not have just said a much more polite “please take this seat”.
(´;ω;`)さん：
This is a conversation I heard on a train. A kid asked an old man with thinning hair “What happened to your hair?” The old man answered “I know…I wonder what happened to me?” and started to cry silently. Among all the noise and confusion of the train, the little kid told the man “You know, even if you cut your hair it will grow back again, so don’t cry” and brushed the old man’s head gently. The old man cried even more.
ツイッタークソワロタ名言ｗｗｗさん：
In the train I saw this really nasty looking typical Yankee and I was expecting him to say things like “Da fuck, idiots, go die!” but instead he “I really want to go to the zoo, too” three times.
人気ツイート笑える_botさん：
An elderly couple in the train were tenderly holding hands, and the girl of a young couple in front of them said “Hey, look at those two! How cringeworthy! An old man and an old woman? Would look better if it were us!ww” “If so, we should break up” “Why?!” “I just thought I can never be like that with you, and now I don’t want to be like that with you.” Well said, that boyfriend.
ニコールさん：
It’s awesome that when a baby comes on a train, and all the people around make a funny face or smile to get the baby to look at them.
